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Fake Bios, Anyone?

Author bios always seem to mention cats and previous publications. I do have a cat and a few short story sales, but whenever a magazine asks for 'a short bio' to go with a submission, I am struck by how ordinary my life seems at times. I mean, ordinary is fine by me, but sometimes I wish I could send in bios like these:

  • J. D. McDeat has always had an interest in keeping people awake and alive. That has lead to careers as a paramedic, rock musician, and barista. Storytelling claimed his soul at a young age, when he kept his sister awake at night with tales of blood, murder, and weird anatomy. As to keeping people alive, his 'Surviving' self-help series include the classics 'Vampire Attacks', 'Hell-Hound Invasions', and 'Zombie Apocalypse'. He currently lives in a secluded log cabin in Wisconsin with his axe, Remington, and two dead cats.
  • J. D. Mate decided early that he wasn't cut out for ordinary nine-to-five work, and writing seemed just like the ticket to fill those extra hours before his night shifts began. He is the mastermind behind such classics as Breaking and Entering, The Crowbar, and Grand Theft Gas Truck. He currently works full time in the Folsom Penitentiary. Apart from writing, his hobbies include baseball, digging and posters of Rita Hayworth.
  • Mystery writer J.D. Jones is a strange man, woman, and child.
But what I'm really interested in knowing is: What fake author bio would you love to print with your story?

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( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
bogwitch64
Jan. 7th, 2012 01:08 am (UTC)
I've always been partial to Lemony Snicket's author bio:
Lemony Snicket claims he was nowhere near the scene of the crime. He is the author of several other unpleasant stories, including those in the bestselling A Series of Unfortunate Events and The Lump of Coal.

Other than that, I actually like my own. :)
jakobdrud
Jan. 7th, 2012 09:11 pm (UTC)
You do have a nice bio. Cat-wrangler is a title not taken lightly, though ;-)
acwise
Jan. 7th, 2012 03:10 am (UTC)
I'm rather fond of your first option. (Please don't kill your cat.) :)
jakobdrud
Jan. 7th, 2012 09:08 pm (UTC)
Don't worry, the cat is alright, except when his ongoing territorial feud with a big white tomcat gets him torn up. But I swear, I never hired that cat ;-)
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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