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So, you're a new writer. You've tried blogging, tweeting, selling your soul to Facebook, giving away free copies of your books, writing essays about how piracy hurts writers, praying to God, praying to agents, praying to editors, praying to your mother... and still your book ranks as number 1.913.236 on Amazon.

Well excuse me for keeping the secret of succes to myself. I thought it was bleeding obvious, but if you really need help, I'll share. 

  1. Be a legend. Usain Bolt said it during the Olympics: I'm a legend. And look at all the media time this man gets. But don't sweat it if you think you need to achieve something to become a legend. Just read a couple of self-help books and you'll be more than halfway to legendary status and the front page of Time Magazine.
  2. Do celebrity shots in swimwear. How come you're reading this when you could be stalking a paparazzo? The key isn't to be smart, but to LOOK FAMOUS. Pose for him in a skimpy outfit and he'll have a ready-to-sell story ("Look who went shopping for sunscreen in WalMart"). Don't forget to mention that you're 'taking a break from promoting your new bestseller'.
  3. Die. Nothing boosts sales like dying. Suddenly you're remembered for things that people haven't mentioned in decades - or even better, your stunning debut novel marks the tragic end of an otherwise shooting-star career.
  4. Enter politics. Your platform should be something like "Protecting my country from" [Insert name of fictional threat - Dragons, Aliens, Eldritch Horrors, Global Warming (*)]. If you happen to have an SF novel out by the title 'A Tide of Aliens', it will gain instant cult status because of the author's insider's knowledge about the clandestine battle fought between mankind and extraterrestrial species.  
  5. Stop writing! Fandom starts where the book ends, and it is endlessly more gratifying to learn new secrets about the author's life than to read their books (otherwise, why would writers be blogging instead of writing fiction?) So go and do some wild things: Shave your hair like Britney, go into rehab like Amy Winehouse, drink like Hemmingway, or take a trip... somewhere, like Charlie Sheen.  But for Pete's sake, stay away from the keyboard. Nothing says BORING like a desk job.

(*) Be ready to be disputed on this one. For some reason, people are less inclined to believe in rising temperatures than, say, the nasty fur-ball raider who use cats as cross-dimensional portals to this world.

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( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
jakobdrud
Aug. 13th, 2012 07:45 am (UTC)
'I'm a trained professional. Don't try this at home, kids.'
marshallpayne1
Aug. 13th, 2012 10:16 am (UTC)
I think I'll put #3 at the end of my list. Tryin' to pace myself, ya know. ;-)
jakobdrud
Aug. 13th, 2012 10:54 am (UTC)
I see the wisdom. And #2 really works best if you're below 80. A cane really doesn't go well with most swimwear on photos.
(Deleted comment)
jakobdrud
Aug. 13th, 2012 11:51 am (UTC)
It's Monday. I figured everyone could use a little cheer-me-up.
maryjdal
Aug. 13th, 2012 12:09 pm (UTC)
This was very funny :)
jakobdrud
Aug. 13th, 2012 04:22 pm (UTC)
:-)
livejournal
Aug. 17th, 2012 10:59 am (UTC)
No title
User jongibbs referenced to your post from No title saying: [...] (Rachelle Gardner) 5 Ways for New Writers to Gain Press Attention [...]
ladysaotome
Aug. 18th, 2012 03:27 pm (UTC)
Very amusing post. Oh - #3 could have a variation - internet rumor's of death. Save yourself the hassle of actually dying but reap all the benefits! ;)
jakobdrud
Aug. 19th, 2012 04:07 pm (UTC)
Great idea for #3. Anyone for a barefoot walk across Abbey Road?
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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